So, where do we go from here? Well, today is Palm Sunday and Holy Week has begun. This sacred week of remembrance is so much about forgiveness. I can't imagine what it would be like to give my life for people who hurt me. That's what Jesus did, after all. When you get down to it, that's the moral of the story. He gave his life for people who deserved to die and He took their-OUR-place. He was even forgiving the soldiers as they killed Him. Can you imagine? I can't even forgive someone for cutting me off in traffic some days and He was forgiving them as he was being tortured! I need to grow up!
So listen, think about the person that has hurt you most in your life. How many times do you think that person has offended you. Five times? Fifty times? Five hundred times? It's possible that it's many, many times, depending on the type of relationship you have had with them. So, here's another question: How many times have you offended God? I don't know about you, but I have offended God thousands and thousands of times. And guess what! God can forgive me and He has pre-offered His forgiveness to me in advance, no matter how many times I decide to sin. Think about that for a minute. I have been pre-approved for a no limit credit account of sin and offenses with a 100% debt forgiveness plan-IF I am willing to claim it. This may seem like a a ridiculous way to explain, but I want to get it across to you how RIDICULOUS God's love and forgiveness is!
Please, as you go about this Holy Week, draw close to Jesus in your woundedness. Some of us have such deep pain, we can't imagine letting it go. Nothing can ever replace what was taken from us. Nothing can make it up to us. And it is hard to imagine what it would be like to truly let it go. To truly forgive. To love someone who hurt us. However, we love and serve a God of mercy and unconditional love. I can hear the arguments right now.
-I can never go back to that hurtful place in my heart.
-I don't want to think about it.
-They don't deserve it.
-They might hurt me if I start a relationship with them again.
-fill-in-the-blank
Well, here are some answers to those questions:
1-We go back to that hurtful place all the time-every time we remember it! Unresolved issues have a way of clinging to us and creeping up when we least expect it.
2-We think about it all the time because that's how wounds work. It's always in the background whether we realize it or not. It can eventually become consuming and we see everything through that experience.
Here's a scripture about #1 and #2-"See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."-Hebrews 12:15
3-Of course they don't deserve it. We don't deserve forgiveness either! That's the whole point isn't it? The level of how little we deserve God's love and forgiveness is directly proportionate to the extreme awesomeness of God's love!
4-No one is asking you to start up a relationship with someone who hurt you. God just wants us free of unforgiveness so we can be FREE! 2 Corinthians 3:17 says that "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." All throughout the Bible, God was trying to get his people out of slavery; literal slavery, sexual slavery, slavery to self, slavery to sin, slavery to idols, the list goes on and on. On the flip-side of that coin, Satan wants us to be in bondage-and unforgiveness is one of his most powerful tools-THAT WE GIVE HIM.
I had a painful experience once where I watched someone die that had hurt me more than anyone else in the world had. This was a slow painful death that lasted for several years. When I was younger, I prayed so hard that this person would change. Also, to be very honest I hoped that they would realize how they much had hurt me and make it up to me. Well, you know what? That person eventually did say they were sorry and it wasn't enough for me. I did work to forgive them, but i'm human and it kept creeping up on me. (that's okay, i'm human and forgiveness is a process) I felt better at times, but they couldn't make up all that they had taken from me or take away my pain.
Here's what I learned from this: After all the years of pain, I finally got my apology and it wasn't enough. I was kind of shocked. And guess what else? They didn't start being perfect after that. Can you believe it? What's going on here? They apologized, I forgave them, and things didn't start being the way I wanted them. Wow! Why couldn't they make things better? I believe it's because I had let them have a place in my life where only God should be. I had let the hurts and wounds control me by hanging on to them. I had made that person an idol. Why should I expect people to never hurt me? I have hurt people, but I guess I think other people shouldn't do that? It sounds like I was putting myself on a pedestal as well! Who am I?
What's more is that I was also expecting someone who is NOT God to do things that only God can do. Only God can heal my heart. Only God can take what is broken in my life and make all things new. Only God can give me peace. God can do things for me that I cannot do for myself. And who can do things better than God? Apparently, I thought I could. Lord, have mercy.
In the end, I watched this person suffer unimaginable pain that took away every ounce of my desire to wish any more revenge on them or atonement from them. And at the last moments of life I held this person and God gave me the grace to love as if nothing had ever happened. Bonus: God even gave me the grace to ask for forgiveness for all that I had done that was hurtful in any way. And all of heaven rejoiced.
It's still a process of forgiveness for me because sometimes the effects of people's offenses live on long after they do, but God is helping and healing me. He is delivering me from the bondage of unforgiveness and bitterness and bringing me into freedom as often as I will invite him into the pain and CHOOSE to forgive. Regardless of how I feel. Expecting nothing in return but the peace of God. Trusting that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will. It's not perfect. It's not over. But the journey has begun.
Please share with me how God has helped you to forgive. We need to hear each other's stores of experience, strength, and hope. Have a blessed Holy Week!
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
The Desert of Unforgiveness : A Lenten Reflection - Part 2
Let My People Go
Speaking of desert experiences, the Israelites were running from a very hurtful person and a very hurtful situation where they had lost so much. I'm sure many of us can identify with this. I was drowning in this a few years ago and one day God brought me a question. "Who's YOUR Pharoah?" That is a weird thought (surprise! What? Susej has weird thoughts? No Way!), but it started an important thought process for me. Who is that person that has given me a hard time or hurt me so badly and for no reason? Who is the person who has limited me when all I wanted was what I had asked for, needed, and certainly deserved? Whose choices have caused me to suffer? There have been only a few people in my life that I would put into this category. The work of deliverance that happened for the Israelites was of epic proportion and I think this Pharaoh analogy/concept should be saved for the most life-altering, devastating, and senseless hurts.
One example would be a devoted spouse that wants nothing more than to save their family and would do anything to make it work, only to be refused and/or abused by a spouse that abandons them. Or maybe a boss that does nothing but discourage, hold you back, and take away opportunities from you and you don't have the luxury or freedom of leaving until you find a better situation. The list could go on and on, but these situations can result in the loss of dreams, opportunities, affect entire families for generations, waste years of your life, etc.
Much like Moses repeatedly going before Pharoah, asking for the deliverance of God's people, in these situations, there is no reason for the injustice. It often hurts everyone for the situation to continue, but the Pharoah's heart is hardened and he keeps. saying. no. What a frustrating story! And to make matters worse, it says that GOD hardened Pharoah's heart. This used to be such a hard message for me! Why?! Why would God allow someone's heart to be hardened? Now, am I saying that this makes it God's fault? I think a lot of people WOULD say that, but I don't agree. Stay with me. You know what the easiest part of the story is for me? The easiest part for me is that I get to sit outside of the story, at a vantage point far in the future, and know that there is going to be a wonderful outcome. Unfortunately, that's usually not how I see the seasons of hurt in my life. And just like the Israelites were told that they were being taken out of slavery, I have been told that my God has good plans for me and he knows well those plans and that they are to help me and not to harm me.
So, why the Pharoah drama? Ultimately, I'm not sure, but my belief is that God may have allowed them to have a hard time, so that they would be so dedicated to leaving Egypt behind, they would never want to go back. You didn't like that reason? Try this one: God used the plagues (or in our cases, calamity) so that His people could see His power to save and deliver. I've never seen God perform a plague in my life, but I have noticed that all my "pharoahs" seem plagued with some pretty major issues. Also, here's a point I don't want you to miss. I don't think God is sitting around dreaming up plagues to put us through to help us earn character or to show us his muscles. However, I do believe that "plagues" exist in our world in many ways and that God will use everything evil that tries to touch us for our good. I also believe that, regardless of the severity of the devastation that we are touched by in this world, God will take everything and use it for out good. I truly believe that He doesn't allow things to to happen to us that would not be for our good.
**Irreconcilable Differences
Let me stop there for a minute. I know what some of you are thinking right now: something so terrible happened to you that nothing good could EVER come out of it. You may also be very angry and asking "what kind of God would allow something that bad to happen to me?" And you know what? I have nothing cheesy to say to you about that. I relinquish my pat answers and my apologies. If you are at a point in your life where you feel this way (and you may have lived at that point in your life for more years than you can count), I have nothing to say to you but "I love you" and I'll hold you while you cry. Anyone who tells you anything different needs to have sand thrown into his or her sensitive places. I will also offer you my prayers for healing, closure, redemption, a new vision for the future. I would also like to add that I have witnessed countless redemption stories of suffering that still doesn't make sense and never will. Some of the strongest people who have suffered the most and they are often used to deliver or protect the most people from the devastation they suffered. Okay, there you go. I love you.
Okay, back to the Pharoah. I have one more theory on why they may have gone through that horrible saga before their deliverance from Egypt. I think that God also uses these situations as teaching tools. They all learned how to listen to God, how to trust in God, and how to follow God. And hey-Moses got the worst crash course in leadership I have ever heard of and I bet he had to grow very quickly. This was great preparation for him to lead God's people to the promised land! I'm sure that made him feel better, right?
Having said all this and giving you a couple of reasons I think that this story played out as it did, I'd also like to point out that it didn't take the Israelites very long to start complaining about the long desert journey. Heck, they were soon after were wishing they were back in slavery. Can you imagine? I can. I do that all the time. I ask for something and then I get mad when it's not easy or I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I get upset when God gives me a good promise, something bad happens, and I can't see what it's for. And still I whine.
Speaking of desert experiences, the Israelites were running from a very hurtful person and a very hurtful situation where they had lost so much. I'm sure many of us can identify with this. I was drowning in this a few years ago and one day God brought me a question. "Who's YOUR Pharoah?" That is a weird thought (surprise! What? Susej has weird thoughts? No Way!), but it started an important thought process for me. Who is that person that has given me a hard time or hurt me so badly and for no reason? Who is the person who has limited me when all I wanted was what I had asked for, needed, and certainly deserved? Whose choices have caused me to suffer? There have been only a few people in my life that I would put into this category. The work of deliverance that happened for the Israelites was of epic proportion and I think this Pharaoh analogy/concept should be saved for the most life-altering, devastating, and senseless hurts.
One example would be a devoted spouse that wants nothing more than to save their family and would do anything to make it work, only to be refused and/or abused by a spouse that abandons them. Or maybe a boss that does nothing but discourage, hold you back, and take away opportunities from you and you don't have the luxury or freedom of leaving until you find a better situation. The list could go on and on, but these situations can result in the loss of dreams, opportunities, affect entire families for generations, waste years of your life, etc.
Much like Moses repeatedly going before Pharoah, asking for the deliverance of God's people, in these situations, there is no reason for the injustice. It often hurts everyone for the situation to continue, but the Pharoah's heart is hardened and he keeps. saying. no. What a frustrating story! And to make matters worse, it says that GOD hardened Pharoah's heart. This used to be such a hard message for me! Why?! Why would God allow someone's heart to be hardened? Now, am I saying that this makes it God's fault? I think a lot of people WOULD say that, but I don't agree. Stay with me. You know what the easiest part of the story is for me? The easiest part for me is that I get to sit outside of the story, at a vantage point far in the future, and know that there is going to be a wonderful outcome. Unfortunately, that's usually not how I see the seasons of hurt in my life. And just like the Israelites were told that they were being taken out of slavery, I have been told that my God has good plans for me and he knows well those plans and that they are to help me and not to harm me.
So, why the Pharoah drama? Ultimately, I'm not sure, but my belief is that God may have allowed them to have a hard time, so that they would be so dedicated to leaving Egypt behind, they would never want to go back. You didn't like that reason? Try this one: God used the plagues (or in our cases, calamity) so that His people could see His power to save and deliver. I've never seen God perform a plague in my life, but I have noticed that all my "pharoahs" seem plagued with some pretty major issues. Also, here's a point I don't want you to miss. I don't think God is sitting around dreaming up plagues to put us through to help us earn character or to show us his muscles. However, I do believe that "plagues" exist in our world in many ways and that God will use everything evil that tries to touch us for our good. I also believe that, regardless of the severity of the devastation that we are touched by in this world, God will take everything and use it for out good. I truly believe that He doesn't allow things to to happen to us that would not be for our good.
**Irreconcilable Differences
Let me stop there for a minute. I know what some of you are thinking right now: something so terrible happened to you that nothing good could EVER come out of it. You may also be very angry and asking "what kind of God would allow something that bad to happen to me?" And you know what? I have nothing cheesy to say to you about that. I relinquish my pat answers and my apologies. If you are at a point in your life where you feel this way (and you may have lived at that point in your life for more years than you can count), I have nothing to say to you but "I love you" and I'll hold you while you cry. Anyone who tells you anything different needs to have sand thrown into his or her sensitive places. I will also offer you my prayers for healing, closure, redemption, a new vision for the future. I would also like to add that I have witnessed countless redemption stories of suffering that still doesn't make sense and never will. Some of the strongest people who have suffered the most and they are often used to deliver or protect the most people from the devastation they suffered. Okay, there you go. I love you.
Okay, back to the Pharoah. I have one more theory on why they may have gone through that horrible saga before their deliverance from Egypt. I think that God also uses these situations as teaching tools. They all learned how to listen to God, how to trust in God, and how to follow God. And hey-Moses got the worst crash course in leadership I have ever heard of and I bet he had to grow very quickly. This was great preparation for him to lead God's people to the promised land! I'm sure that made him feel better, right?
Having said all this and giving you a couple of reasons I think that this story played out as it did, I'd also like to point out that it didn't take the Israelites very long to start complaining about the long desert journey. Heck, they were soon after were wishing they were back in slavery. Can you imagine? I can. I do that all the time. I ask for something and then I get mad when it's not easy or I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I get upset when God gives me a good promise, something bad happens, and I can't see what it's for. And still I whine.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
The Desert of Unforgiveness: A Lenten Reflection - Part One
Happy Lent, everyone!
But, not too happy, right?! 'Tis the season to suffer for a reason! Just kidding. I do hope you're having a wonderful Lent, though. At our weekly meeting, we all shared what we have been giving up or doing extra for Lent and how we have grown this Lent. We had lots of great testimonies, stories of spiritual growth, unique experiences, and an account of guilt-soaked, accidental bacon ingestion. It was fantastic!
I just love Lent. But I haven't always loved it. In fact, when I was younger I would read about Saints of the Church who bypassed Advent all together and just had an extra Lent. Two Lents?! No way! Those party animals! "How morbid," I thought. And as with all things I said I would never do when I was younger, I recanted my statement after the first time I tried that wonderful experience.
I was thinking this week about how much of Lent is directed at ourselves. Our growth. Our sacrifices. Our repentance. It's all for Jesus, but I just want to throw out a Lenten reminder this year. As I looked at today's readings, Matthew 18 reminded me of the need to forgive others. Not just once. Not just 7 or 70 times, but 70 times 7, or perfectly. As they say in 12-step programs, it's about progress, not perfection. No matter how willing we are to forgive, total forgiveness is a lifetime journey. We will never be able to PERFECTLY forgive until we get to heaven. This process is not really something we can always control or plan ahead of time. During our time on this earth, we never know when a new offense will come or when an old offense will rear its ugly head. This is not a simple process, but I have some thoughts I'd like to share. I hope they are helpful.
The Desert of Unforgiveness
These precious 40 days before Easter are often compared to Jesus' time in the desert. As I reflect on unforgiveness, it brings to mind the desert journey of the Israelites in the book of Exodus. Unforgiveness can definitely be compared to a desert. I don't know about you, but I have gone through some dark deserts of unforgiveness in my life. Dry. Bitter. Feeling Burnt by the sun in the day. Feeling frozen by the isolation at night. Painful step after painful step in what can seem an unending journey. When hurt from past offenses or current situations springs up, it can seem like a sandstorm, burning your eyes, beating against your weary body, and even result in annoyance, anger, and discomfort as the sand creeps into every area-I'll stop there. I think you probably get the point.
Here are some points to get you started thinking about your journey of forgiveness. Wouldn't it be great to leave all of our hurts with Jesus in the desert and come out free on the other side?
Hurt People Hurt People
Have you heard this saying before? People who are hurting usually hurt other people. It may be cheesy, but it's true. And you know what? If I choose to have compassion on people for their pain, it usually takes me out of the equation. I don't know about you, but it's pretty freeing when someone hurts or offends me and I remember that they are a hurting person who hurts other people. They were hurting before they met me. I'm not the only person they are hurting. If I wasn't in this situation, they would probably be hurting someone else. They will probably hurt more people after me. Get it? It's not about us! We don't even have to take it personally. And if you want to take it a step further, if it's that bad-it's probably because we have stuck around too long with a hurtful person. What does it mean that we choose to continue allowing a person to hurt us? (That's a whole other problem that I'm sure I will address in some future blog post on codependency.)
But, not too happy, right?! 'Tis the season to suffer for a reason! Just kidding. I do hope you're having a wonderful Lent, though. At our weekly meeting, we all shared what we have been giving up or doing extra for Lent and how we have grown this Lent. We had lots of great testimonies, stories of spiritual growth, unique experiences, and an account of guilt-soaked, accidental bacon ingestion. It was fantastic!
I just love Lent. But I haven't always loved it. In fact, when I was younger I would read about Saints of the Church who bypassed Advent all together and just had an extra Lent. Two Lents?! No way! Those party animals! "How morbid," I thought. And as with all things I said I would never do when I was younger, I recanted my statement after the first time I tried that wonderful experience.
I was thinking this week about how much of Lent is directed at ourselves. Our growth. Our sacrifices. Our repentance. It's all for Jesus, but I just want to throw out a Lenten reminder this year. As I looked at today's readings, Matthew 18 reminded me of the need to forgive others. Not just once. Not just 7 or 70 times, but 70 times 7, or perfectly. As they say in 12-step programs, it's about progress, not perfection. No matter how willing we are to forgive, total forgiveness is a lifetime journey. We will never be able to PERFECTLY forgive until we get to heaven. This process is not really something we can always control or plan ahead of time. During our time on this earth, we never know when a new offense will come or when an old offense will rear its ugly head. This is not a simple process, but I have some thoughts I'd like to share. I hope they are helpful.
The Desert of Unforgiveness
These precious 40 days before Easter are often compared to Jesus' time in the desert. As I reflect on unforgiveness, it brings to mind the desert journey of the Israelites in the book of Exodus. Unforgiveness can definitely be compared to a desert. I don't know about you, but I have gone through some dark deserts of unforgiveness in my life. Dry. Bitter. Feeling Burnt by the sun in the day. Feeling frozen by the isolation at night. Painful step after painful step in what can seem an unending journey. When hurt from past offenses or current situations springs up, it can seem like a sandstorm, burning your eyes, beating against your weary body, and even result in annoyance, anger, and discomfort as the sand creeps into every area-I'll stop there. I think you probably get the point.
Here are some points to get you started thinking about your journey of forgiveness. Wouldn't it be great to leave all of our hurts with Jesus in the desert and come out free on the other side?
Hurt People Hurt People
Have you heard this saying before? People who are hurting usually hurt other people. It may be cheesy, but it's true. And you know what? If I choose to have compassion on people for their pain, it usually takes me out of the equation. I don't know about you, but it's pretty freeing when someone hurts or offends me and I remember that they are a hurting person who hurts other people. They were hurting before they met me. I'm not the only person they are hurting. If I wasn't in this situation, they would probably be hurting someone else. They will probably hurt more people after me. Get it? It's not about us! We don't even have to take it personally. And if you want to take it a step further, if it's that bad-it's probably because we have stuck around too long with a hurtful person. What does it mean that we choose to continue allowing a person to hurt us? (That's a whole other problem that I'm sure I will address in some future blog post on codependency.)
To be continued...
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